Grazie!

Thank you for leaving 
It pushed me to focus on only me for a change.
I've really taken this time to think of everything;
existential crisis some may call it but I call it a blessing to be able to erase everything on the board and start again
To have the privilege to do that.
To say: "this has been working until now...Now I will do different."
I have crawled into the hurt of my childhood to rescue her and love her. 
I thank you for that. You leaving, gave me the bravery but also the space to dig in. 
I know you're doing the same. Healing and re-inventing yourself, 
being You without letting fear stop you.
Proud of you. 
Miles away, but I smile when I think of you. 
Fairy tale dreaming that one day we will meet again, and you will tell me all the stories you are making now
All the acts of bravery you had to do to be who you are. 
The ache of not having my bestie has turned into joy that she's out there killing it and fighting for "Her". 
I never doubted that you would have the life that you wanted
I had just hoped to be part of the metamorphosis
but what really matters here is that you are in the metamorphosis part of your life
and even if you may not see or speak to me, know I am still your number one cheerleader. 
There's no doubt you'll get to where you need to go. 
There's no doubt you'll be person you always dreamed of as a child, fearless and joyful, no hurt. 
Keep going. I believe in you. But most of all, 
thank you for reminding me that I am my own biggest fan.
You choosing yourself made me realize that it's not a bad act of selfish-ness but the biggest act of self love. 
Keep choosing yourself, and so will I. 
I love me, and have for a long time now, but you gave me that nudge to really dig deep and not be afraid to be open about it. 
Thank you and always remember I am proud of you. 

Much Love 

Ta Reine - Angele

Silly Goose

You freckled faced girl
You opened me up without me realizing
You healed me effortlessly
I miss you, every day
but I won't push you nor life itself for you to come back 
You held a mirror in front of me
not for judgement but to love me
To love the essence and the core of "me"
For the mirror you were holding was You.
You and I are the same
which is why I understood and understand your running
You told me our friendship had developed into more for you, 
you grew "feelings" for me
you ... "love me"
"how would all of this work?" you said, 
"aren't you scared?"
With you by my side, no, I was fearless
I knew we would figure this out together,
but when you ran...I was left standing on my own
I see star wars things, mushrooms, dinosaurs, sonic, and I think of you and the little ones
But with every day, I see those things and it hurts less. 
The natural state of you loved me
Parts of me that everyone had found distasteful, 
you found it hilarious, made you laugh, and oh that laugh filled me with such joy.
I knew I loved you, agape love
but when you walked away...
I realized how important and vastly your love was for me. 
How much it meant to me. 
I didn't want to control you, tell you what to do next. 
I loved and love you to the point where I simply want you to be free. 
Even though we did have romantic love for each other, I didn't want to box you in into a romantic anything. 
You made me feel seen like no one else had before. 
It never crossed my mind you would leave.
It was hard for you to express yourself at times, 
find the right words for your feelings but you never had to fully say it
I knew what you meant before you speaking.
I knew your thoughts, I felt you within me, in my mind. 
You knew I got you, I understood and still understand you. 
It's just painful. 
I understand the lesson in all of this, 
We were each other's mirrors. 
A glimpse of how beautiful it is when you open yourself up, let yourself be loved and love another. 
It doesn't have to be only romantic, the love I felt was simply love, no boundaries. 
I felt you caring about me and I know you felt me care about you. 
I understand your need to do this on your own, and I respect that. 
Just know, I'll always have love for you. 
Thank you for what you gave me, for being so raw with me. 
I know it all scared you, you weren't ready to take it step by step and figure out what this all was for us. 
One day you will, with me or another, but most importantly with yourself. Love yourself always, I will do the same. I let you go now. Be free. 

-Love, 
your twin flame. 
The Night We Met - Lord Huron

Best gift

My ex is my ex because she fit the narrative of my childhood;
I am not good enough, I talk too much, I am annoying, I need to do things for her, I need to fight for her attention and love...
but You,
I met you before my ex yet we had never truly known each other
after fourteen years we laid eyes on each other face to face and we felt the same...
home. 
You brought a different narrative, one that no one had brought me.
I had been working on this narrative toward myself;
you are worth it, you are not too much, you are funny, you deserve effortless love.
Your natural essence loved all my parts that had been slashed. 
You loved my wounds, my scars without even knowing
The narrative you gave me was; be yourself, I love it. 
You said,
"you bring joy into my life, you are hilarious, I can be myself with you, I don't have to explain myself to you, you get me. I love starting my day with you" and your eyes told me:
"I love you, this is crazy and scary. Love has always stabbed me, I must run. Aren't you also scared?" 

I was scared, but for you I was staying. For me, I was staying. I deserve an effortless love. You gave me that. Our friendship, our love was effortless for both parties involved. I didn't push or fake anything. I was me with you and that's the best gift you could've given me. Your inner child made my inner child feel loved, seen and worthy enough to go outside and play. Thank you for showing love to little Wanda no matter how short the time was. 

Thank you. I will continue to love Wandita. 

Gold Star

 All I want is to hold you in my arms

Cliche, I know but oh so true

I just want your body to feel my skin

I want to smell you

Taste you, every inch of you

Ah those blue sky eyes you have

They drive me crazy

I’m laying here in my hammock just fantasying about you being here

Wish you were laying next to me with your head on my chest resting

I would smell your scalp and save that memory in my brain

I know I love your body, for it is out of this world

But it’s you.

Every part of you that makes you you that has me so sprung

You’re an amazing woman

You’re an amazing mom

Oh so loving and patient

That’s so sexy, when you’re in your element with your kids

How kind you are

Oh that sealed the deal

How sweet and caring you are

I love your soul

You’re consistent and that calms my anxious attachment

You heal me without even knowing you are

Your texts, your snaps, you voice messages make my day every time you send one my hearts jumps from happiness at the fact that we’re connecting

The fact that you’re giving me access to you is something I’ll always cherish

I’ll never take you for granted girl

I know what you bring to the table even if you don’t fully know it

You’re wifey, you’re the diamond everyone looks for

I just want you to be happy and it's a bonus that you share your journey with me hand by hand

What makes you happy? Do it

You want to try new things? Do it

You want me to cook for you so you can do your crafts? I’ll do it

You want me to take the kids so that you can have me time and remember that you’re an individual aside from a partner and mother? One hundred percent baby, I gotchu

We haven’t known each other that long and I haven’t tasted you yet but I know I want something meaningful with you

I don’t want it to be a hit and run

I want to be your comfortable space where you can be soft

Where you can be soft without fear of judgment, without the fear of being hurt

I just wanna walk next to you, hand in hand through all these days ahead of us

I know what I bring to the table and I know you won’t regret giving me, giving us a chance

Baby girl I drop my name in the hat

I am here when you’re ready

And always remember, your kids are my own. They’re a part of you and each have their own personality which I love so much

Baby girl, I am here.

Take all the time you need to heal,

I’ll be here

Bottomless Pit

I am afraid to hate you

I am afraid to open that up 

Cause no one has ever hurt me like you did

My love was like a child's innocence 

You didn't just take it away, 

to stepped on it, spat at it, you crushed it

you wrecked it, you healed it to just pull it apart again and again

I realize now that it was Stockholm syndrome

The more you would abuse me, the more I thought I loved you

The more I thought you loved me, 

and I needed to chase you. 

You fucked with my reality

I will never understand how you could damage such a beautiful love

I know you never experienced a love like mine, 

because I was pure. 

I haven't wanted to feel this hate, because I didn't want to give you that power

but anytime you still stalk me, send a message my way,

my stomach goes into pits and I want to hurl. 

I have so much hate because I let you torture me to the point that my body is still not okay.

I have to train my body now to feel safe. Remind it that "you're safe now"

Every time you would make me tell you that I believed "you love me"

I didn't believe it.

It would cause confusion in me "why do I feel like she doesn't, but she says she does?" 

I will only know how innocent my love was for you, 

I trusted you fully. 

I gave you my all. 

Having to re-make myself has not been easy, 

but I am still standing. I am still here. Smiling, and laughing. 

I will get rid of this hate. 

I still remember all those nights I cried myself to sleep, 

I would go into fetal position just letting quiet pains tremble out of me to not wake you.

I loved you. But you are a bottomless pit. 

There was no end to you, and not in a loving way. 

In a very dark way, there was no end to your abuse and manipulation. 

Thank you for teaching me everything I don't want. 

I will stay standing. 

I am valuable and deserving. 

You're obsessed, just let me go

The water trickles down the steps

They first attack the cement, making a bouncing noise then it takes it over. 

Why can't you just leave me alone

Why are you so obsessed with me. 

You never cared about me, 

it was all fake. 

Your manipulation, 

your lies, 

they filtered through to my inner core. 

You made me remember who I was, 

what my value was, 

by defiling me to my bone. 

By abusing me with your words, 

your silence. 

By always making me last in your list. 

Everyone else came before me. 

By physically causing me harm at times, and laughing. 

It was all control for you, 

controlling me. 

Now that I have walked away, 

blocked you, 

you relentlessly come after me. 

I am that toy that you can no longer have. 

Your narcissistic sadistic sociopath ways took me for a ride, 

that I never want to ride... ever again. 

I trusted you with my soul. 

You, nor anyone like you will ever get my energy, my time again. 

You keep trying to get control of me, 

but that won't happen. 

Keep trying, I know my worth. 

Most importantly, I know who you are. 

I gave you years of my unconditional love, 

you don't deserve another second of my time. 

Go and get the attention from all those you cheated on me with, 

where are they now? Probably still there, being lied to, just like I was. 

I know I can't ask you to please leave me alone, 

because you won't, and it'll entice you to keep trying. 

I just wish you were a normal human being, 

but you're not.

You won't ever understand how to have empathy for another being. 

Ciao

I should have known from the beginning we weren't meant to me. 
Lies. 
I knew. 
But I lied to myself because I was lonely. 
It was mid pandemic and I had never felt so alone in my life.
I've always felt alone, it was the standard for me, but this was different. 
God knew how lonely I was, how scared I was too.
No one knew anything about this virus that was killing people.
When out of nowhere, you dropped back into my life.
You were something known from the past. 
You felt safe. 
Not as in boring safe, but comfort safe. 
I didn't think I could get hurt from you. 
I met you once 13yrs ago and here you were, back into my life. 
How could this be a coincidence? 
I thought, not. 
My body was screaming "don't." 
But my loneliness said "yes" 
I gave you chance after chance to go back to that person I met at the beginning
Confident, charming, funny, caring, kind, thoughtful. 
But it never came back fully. 
You would show me glimpses then go back to your calculating wounding vicious ways.
I was childlike in the summer breeze, innocently picking off a white dandelion off the path 
but you weren't magical, 
as I blew my love all over you, thinking you would open up 
thinking my warmth would make you fly as high as you possibly could 
but that wasn't it.
Instead, you took possession of my heart,
lassoed all of it and
decimated it. 
You told me you loved puzzles, 
I never thought you would demolish me into dust for me to rebuild myself 
and take the picture of what the puzzle looked like built, when it was whole. 
I will never be who I was. 
I will be better. 
You thought you were so powerful, 
you thought you took all the love I had. 
But you didn't. 
Instead I learned to grow love within myself. 
Plant it, nourish it, and give it kindness to grow on it's own, no pressure. 
You were a bottomless pit. You took, and you took. Never ending. 
It's sad that you don't know how to love. 
You had a beautiful innocently creature in front of you, and you speared it. 
All along I thought I was the one that was lonely, 
when in reality you were and still are. 
As long as you don't let someone know you, you are alone. 
Hope you fix that. I already have...

Nothing's Gonna Hurt You Baby - Cigarettes After Sex