Bottomless Pit

I am afraid to hate you

I am afraid to open that up 

Cause no one has ever hurt me like you did

My love was like a child's innocence 

You didn't just take it away, 

to stepped on it, spat at it, you crushed it

you wrecked it, you healed it to just pull it apart again and again

I realize now that it was Stockholm syndrome

The more you would abuse me, the more I thought I loved you

The more I thought you loved me, 

and I needed to chase you. 

You fucked with my reality

I will never understand how you could damage such a beautiful love

I know you never experienced a love like mine, 

because I was pure. 

I haven't wanted to feel this hate, because I didn't want to give you that power

but anytime you still stalk me, send a message my way,

my stomach goes into pits and I want to hurl. 

I have so much hate because I let you torture me to the point that my body is still not okay.

I have to train my body now to feel safe. Remind it that "you're safe now"

Every time you would make me tell you that I believed "you love me"

I didn't believe it.

It would cause confusion in me "why do I feel like she doesn't, but she says she does?" 

I will only know how innocent my love was for you, 

I trusted you fully. 

I gave you my all. 

Having to re-make myself has not been easy, 

but I am still standing. I am still here. Smiling, and laughing. 

I will get rid of this hate. 

I still remember all those nights I cried myself to sleep, 

I would go into fetal position just letting quiet pains tremble out of me to not wake you.

I loved you. But you are a bottomless pit. 

There was no end to you, and not in a loving way. 

In a very dark way, there was no end to your abuse and manipulation. 

Thank you for teaching me everything I don't want. 

I will stay standing. 

I am valuable and deserving.