Ciao

I should have known from the beginning we weren't meant to me. 
Lies. 
I knew. 
But I lied to myself because I was lonely. 
It was mid pandemic and I had never felt so alone in my life.
I've always felt alone, it was the standard for me, but this was different. 
God knew how lonely I was, how scared I was too.
No one knew anything about this virus that was killing people.
When out of nowhere, you dropped back into my life.
You were something known from the past. 
You felt safe. 
Not as in boring safe, but comfort safe. 
I didn't think I could get hurt from you. 
I met you once 13yrs ago and here you were, back into my life. 
How could this be a coincidence? 
I thought, not. 
My body was screaming "don't." 
But my loneliness said "yes" 
I gave you chance after chance to go back to that person I met at the beginning
Confident, charming, funny, caring, kind, thoughtful. 
But it never came back fully. 
You would show me glimpses then go back to your calculating wounding vicious ways.
I was childlike in the summer breeze, innocently picking off a white dandelion off the path 
but you weren't magical, 
as I blew my love all over you, thinking you would open up 
thinking my warmth would make you fly as high as you possibly could 
but that wasn't it.
Instead, you took possession of my heart,
lassoed all of it and
decimated it. 
You told me you loved puzzles, 
I never thought you would demolish me into dust for me to rebuild myself 
and take the picture of what the puzzle looked like built, when it was whole. 
I will never be who I was. 
I will be better. 
You thought you were so powerful, 
you thought you took all the love I had. 
But you didn't. 
Instead I learned to grow love within myself. 
Plant it, nourish it, and give it kindness to grow on it's own, no pressure. 
You were a bottomless pit. You took, and you took. Never ending. 
It's sad that you don't know how to love. 
You had a beautiful innocently creature in front of you, and you speared it. 
All along I thought I was the one that was lonely, 
when in reality you were and still are. 
As long as you don't let someone know you, you are alone. 
Hope you fix that. I already have...

Nothing's Gonna Hurt You Baby - Cigarettes After Sex