Bottomless Pit

I am afraid to hate you

I am afraid to open that up 

Cause no one has ever hurt me like you did

My love was like a child's innocence 

You didn't just take it away, 

to stepped on it, spat at it, you crushed it

you wrecked it, you healed it to just pull it apart again and again

I realize now that it was Stockholm syndrome

The more you would abuse me, the more I thought I loved you

The more I thought you loved me, 

and I needed to chase you. 

You fucked with my reality

I will never understand how you could damage such a beautiful love

I know you never experienced a love like mine, 

because I was pure. 

I haven't wanted to feel this hate, because I didn't want to give you that power

but anytime you still stalk me, send a message my way,

my stomach goes into pits and I want to hurl. 

I have so much hate because I let you torture me to the point that my body is still not okay.

I have to train my body now to feel safe. Remind it that "you're safe now"

Every time you would make me tell you that I believed "you love me"

I didn't believe it.

It would cause confusion in me "why do I feel like she doesn't, but she says she does?" 

I will only know how innocent my love was for you, 

I trusted you fully. 

I gave you my all. 

Having to re-make myself has not been easy, 

but I am still standing. I am still here. Smiling, and laughing. 

I will get rid of this hate. 

I still remember all those nights I cried myself to sleep, 

I would go into fetal position just letting quiet pains tremble out of me to not wake you.

I loved you. But you are a bottomless pit. 

There was no end to you, and not in a loving way. 

In a very dark way, there was no end to your abuse and manipulation. 

Thank you for teaching me everything I don't want. 

I will stay standing. 

I am valuable and deserving. 

You're obsessed, just let me go

The water trickles down the steps

They first attack the cement, making a bouncing noise then it takes it over. 

Why can't you just leave me alone

Why are you so obsessed with me. 

You never cared about me, 

it was all fake. 

Your manipulation, 

your lies, 

they filtered through to my inner core. 

You made me remember who I was, 

what my value was, 

by defiling me to my bone. 

By abusing me with your words, 

your silence. 

By always making me last in your list. 

Everyone else came before me. 

By physically causing me harm at times, and laughing. 

It was all control for you, 

controlling me. 

Now that I have walked away, 

blocked you, 

you relentlessly come after me. 

I am that toy that you can no longer have. 

Your narcissistic sadistic sociopath ways took me for a ride, 

that I never want to ride... ever again. 

I trusted you with my soul. 

You, nor anyone like you will ever get my energy, my time again. 

You keep trying to get control of me, 

but that won't happen. 

Keep trying, I know my worth. 

Most importantly, I know who you are. 

I gave you years of my unconditional love, 

you don't deserve another second of my time. 

Go and get the attention from all those you cheated on me with, 

where are they now? Probably still there, being lied to, just like I was. 

I know I can't ask you to please leave me alone, 

because you won't, and it'll entice you to keep trying. 

I just wish you were a normal human being, 

but you're not.

You won't ever understand how to have empathy for another being.