Hudson

Are you sure about something?
I was sure of something myself.
So certain, it was set in stone but then it wasn't,
and it was quicksand instead.

You know when you have loved someone so deeply,
and then noticed they didn't feel the same way about you,
or at least they weren't going to give you any hint.
(It's time to move on).
I've moved on twice already and
I thought my love for someone had been buried dead,
no longer alive.
But it came back up suddenly out of nowhere,
catching me off guard.
I was confused at first,
I couldn't believe how I still loved this person in that way,
but I noticed the reason why it came back up,
it was for me to forgive them and forgive myself as well.
It was not to love this person once again,
but to heal,
and this is how it felt: 

Letting go feels strange.
Like a stranger walking into your house and roaming free.
As if some unwelcome thing came in
and took something with them.

Letting go of memories feels like you're losing part of yourself.
Letting go of the ties between you and someone is hard and confusing.

But you're married now,
it's been  four years and all the times I've tried bringing it up,
you change the subject or have to leave.
I know how we both felt about each other at that time,
we were lovers as you said,
more in mind than physical,
for we never tasted one another.

They say "third time's a charm".
Well, this is the third time and
hopefully the last time I erase you off my heart as a lover,
and finally be able to love you just as a friend.
You've always been my friend first, above all.

I want to say I forgive you, I really do.
I forgive any pain you caused me which I was never able to voice out to you.
I can't continue to wait to see when you're ready to talk about it,
it doesn't seem you ever will.
I love myself too much to keep going this way.
I am fixing myself little by little
and right now,
it's your name I need to scratch off
of the things that need to be changed or taken out.
I love you dearly, but I need to love you healthily.
Loving you has been painful,
more painful than anything I've experienced.
I need to learn how to love properly.
I promised you a long time ago,
when we had just met,
that I will be your rock.
All I have in life is my word,
and we both know that I will keep it.
I just need to learn how to love.
Love myself and others.
There are so many other things I would have loved to say to you,
to talk about,
but being honest,
they probably would have hurt you,
so let's leave this behind.
If you ever want to bring it up,
and talk about it,
I am willing to do it.
From what I can tell though,
you are OK,
you are happy.

"I" need to be happy now. 

Thank you for listening. Your friend always...

Vanda


"Beauty of whatever kind, in its supreme development, invariably excites the sensitive soul to tears." Edgar Allan Poe
I Thought About You- Ace Elijah