Concha del mar adios te digo hasta despues

The slow tingling sensation going over all of my body
It starts deep within in my chest
And like a scream,
it shouts out escaping what seems to never want to let go
I lie, daily to myself saying: "you're happy"
but in reality I don't know
I know I should be,
I have the most wonderful family,
a roof and food daily but yet...
why is there this deep uncanny pressure hole,
This black hole which never seems to go way,
it goes away for a while
but it comes back bringing all these lies and
I'm sincerely tired of it
tired of telling myself I'm unhappy when in reality
that's what happiness is
The problem is not unhappiness or happiness
The problem is always ending up in the same situation.

We will always be taught, 
but will we ever learn?

'manos

Saw you sitting by yourself at lunch once
and it took that one time to acknowledge you
you were alone, quiet,
yet you were full of energy,
felt that if anyone approached you,
you would burst out talking about a hundred topics all at once
you weren't the type to be quiet,
because you don't like sharing or being social
you just hadn't been approached
Maybe for a reason,
Maybe because no one else is really interested in listening
And being polite, saying hi,
would be enough of an invite for you to speak non-stop
but that wasn't what attracted me toward you
it was how quick I was able to look into you,
inside you, through you
you were so easy to read,
I wondered why you were an open book,
waiting to be picked up and looked at
I noticed this, and feared, for it was too easy,
yet a difficult task
I turned away and continued my daily routine
but then life turned you to me,
unavoidable,
no longer able to turn away
we started talking little by little,
I was being pulled toward you once again
and the picture of you at that table eating alone kept coming
I saw your skin, your eyes, your hands,
saw the heartbeat on your wrist...thud...thud
I thought you were suppose to learn something from me,
but instead I did from you
I've had years of practice in solitude,
not letting anyone get too close
being alone,
and doing things myself
and relying on no one,
being happy with myself
thought about being with people,
being an open book was risky and childish
yet you had a complete different idea,
You are an open book,
a glass,
showing yourself to all no matter what the outcome is
being friendly,
having a smile no matter how they treat you
You taught me true bravery
treat everybody with kindness
no matter who, how or where they are
without even trying, you taught me how to be free spirited or
maybe I knew all along and you were that last push I needed
I realize that what I've said my whole life:
"Don't care about what others think, you do your own thing, the truth will always come out"
is something to truly live by, and I hadn't been doing so
I'm an open book, transparent,  no fear of what others might find, for I know who I am

snare

there's sensitivity in the way you utter your words
there's a calmness in your tone,
as if there's no bass waves to it
there's a smoothness to your touch, 
and your eyes,
oh your eyes they're the only part of you that's excited
they're green with coloring of brown in between
and decorated with that Egyptian eye liner
they're full of sparkle,
glowing into me
pressing on and breaking all my boundaries
your hand softly touches my hand
moving up my arm till you reach my shy blushing cheeks
and you pass your thumb slowly as if trying to calm my heart beat
all I see is your smile
and your eyes still going straight through me 
I've missed you, I say...
your mouth opens
and without losing eye contact,
you move closer
I can feel the warmth of your breath on my skin, you pause and say
...I never left 

guarire

How do I heal?
How can you heal?
How can we face or distinguish what's wounded and in need of treatment?
Is it as simple as keep repressing it, 
pressing it down till we forget about it for a period of time?
Would this not eventually become like a champagne bottle being shaken,
building pressure inside for so long, that it no longer can stay inside
but bursts out in an uncontrollably manner?
Opened champagnes are due in celebrations
but will your jar full of worms be a celebration?
or do you fear you'll ill everyone by opening up?
How will YOU heal?

It can get ugly before it gets beautiful

Have you ever thought,
if only I would focus,
if only I would stop being my own enemy,
if only for once I would fight for myself
if only one damn time, I would say no,
and take care of myself
if only I would be honest to myself, 
as im honest to anyone else
if only I took my own advice
if only I would stop saying:
"if only..."
and did something,
spoke, instead of thinking.

Have you ever thought,
will I ever reach that point when I'll say,
and truthfully mean it...
I have loved "me" 
(letting an involuntary smile form upon your face)
but then again,
...if only... 

девушка

You,
you still pop in my head
fake blonde hair you
You showed me someone and 
now there's another.
You change shades, 
like the chapters of fifty shades of grey.
Yet some days i get a glimpse of that fake blonde hair girl i got to meet.
You were perfect, and completely imperfect at the same time. 
You filled my empty spaces as if i was your socket. 
I was the port you visited three to five times a week.
Unloading just as ship does, it's goods,
and your goods my darling were your imperfections.
The empowered yet doubtful actions you would make toward my person
you would be close as one could get, telling me your life not just through your lips 
but eyes. Your eyes spoke emotions, 
told me that once, you thought you had none, 
thought they had been completely worn out,
till they came back, but it's coming back wasn't a blessing 
but a disadvantage, at least on how you were living life now. 
You wanted to believe, you would let me love you.
But your heart was metal, powered just like the iron man's heart, 
by a source that wasn't flesh, easily hurt, easily tampered with,
or easily attacked by feelings. It was a light switch, 
turning it on and off; the light was shining but it wasn't guiding.  
Your heart was on, but wasn't beating. 
I am not sure when you'll be able to get that transplant,
but when you do,
I'll be here, just as promised, 
waiting to hear that...
bum bum, bum bum...(heartbeat sound)