accidentals

And then I realized why I was so mean.
I was mean for the mere reason that I am afraid of getting hurt again.
I am afraid of the person it will construct.
I am mean,
because the pain of having someone next to you day by day
and then having them gone,
not to share the daily pains with you again,
is treacherous.
I am not quite sure I can take that again.
The feeling of being vulnerable, and alone,
and empty are all felt once the person leaves,
not while they are with you.
And so when they leave, you realize...
realize how much they actually meant to you,
realize you were a coward all along,
because you never completely let yourself love another.
It is too painful.
I am afraid of love,
as simple as that.
I thought I loved once,
and wasn't even close
and when we parted
my world came crashing all down leaving me in the dark
Having to find myself, re-invent, re-made myself
and to think that wasn't really love.
What would happen if I let myself completely in the hands of love,
what would happen if we part? If it leaves me?
I recently had a friend from back home
(nyc; I have many homes) come stay with me
It was grand , some truths were spoken,
and one of them were that I was plain; mean.
I didn't take offense for I noticed it was truth.
I started paying attention to everything I said,
and how I truly meant the things I said.
She was right, I am mean.
I am mean because I am afraid.
I may be nice outside,
the sweetest and most charming friend you could find, but
"inside territory" is a whole different ball game.
 I let you inside my house, that's enough
I won't give any more.
I hadn't realized I was this way,
till an outsider(apart from my family) told me.
I can see myself, on my own,
writing and illustrating kids books at a beach house in North Carolina
but I think I would be cutting myself short,
if I didn't have someone intimately to share that with.
That's why what this friend said one day
(on our way to buy a plunger at home depot);
"things always happen for a reason",
what ended up happening was she paid for the plunger,
since I had forgotten my wallet.
I know everything happens,
and for what reason I don't always know,
but the ones that I do get to know,
I cherish them and learn from them.
For there are many things in life that happen
and we have no bloody clue why they happened
neither can we find out.
When you realize things in life,
even the most painful ones, like;
your own family betraying you,
and having the person you loved
and poured your life into the most walk away from you
Pay attention, you might just needed to learn something,
don't be afraid "forever",
know that one day a person, or an experience will confront you
and you'll have to get rid of the pain
that all these years of being frighten has caused you.
I am afraid, but I am able to see it now.
I was able just as a doctor, to cut myself open,
look right at the infection that had made me sick for so many years,
and had the courage to take it out.
It's not easy to see the problem is really you,
not anyone else around you,
and start digging yourself a new heart,
or new eyes, or new hands,
everyone needs something.
Just be wise and be honest to yourself.
Most of all, stop being afraid, it'll get you nowhere.
Mana- En el muelle de San Blas